I started this page years ago and had the best intentions with it. I would write things out and then erase it or simply just close the browser. I was busy. I was a Army wife and had children. There was always something I needed to do or someone to take care of.
But then life took my family down a path no one plans for and certainly never wants....Aaron was hurt. He became withdrawn, had to be reminded to take care of himself, was in physical pain all the time and didn't act like the man I married anymore. Our relationship went from open & loving to strained and distant. He stopped enjoying things he loved in the past. He hated going out into public and was always on edge when we did.
I could handle most things. We had made it through multiple miscarriages, deployments and everything else life had thrown our way...but this was slowly pushing us down into a black hole and I had no idea how to pull us out of it.
I can remember talking with Aaron during his first deployment in the sand pit and asking how he was. I would hear the alarms going off , mortars being lobbed over their fence, he was supposed to go seek shelter...
He sounded tired..but he was in Iraq and it was war. I was worried about him but never let on. I was an Army wife and prior service...I knew my role here.
He would call me on yahoo messenger in the MWR tent when he could and I would listen to what he wanted to talk about. I would tell him about how my day went, the kids and that we loved him & were so proud.
That was 2003 and he was part of the big push into the country. I had Minky who was one and Punky who was a newborn. Life was busy. So when he got home our conversations were centered on the kids. He never wanted to talk about what went on.
After a time, I found out that he was asleep in his tent and a dust devil picked him, the tent and all the equipment in it and threw it a few hundred meters toward the razor wire and LMTV trailer. He was knocked out and buried under the contents of the tent. When he came too he found that he came within a short distance hitting his head on the trailer hitch.
Over time I have found out he was locked in a industrial freezer, some close calls with bombs, the DFAC he picked up chow from was blown up by a suicide bomber(not sure if he was there at the time..he still won't say)and I am sure much more he isn't comfortable talking about.
When we were stationed at Fort Bragg, he went on a night jump(parachuting). I was not worried, he had done many in the past and was just fine. He was airborne and air assault after all. But this one went wrong. He jumped a little before midnight and his chute didn't open. He pulled his reserve and it wasn't packed right, it opened halfway and Aaron spin wildly to the ground. He tried to correct his fall like he was taught but it didn't work. He hit the ground , in full gear and was knocked out. They found him almost an later still unconcious, removed his gear,cut his ACU top off and took him to the ER. I get a text from him at 5am saying "I fell". No one called to let me know what happened to him and the ER let him drive himself home. I am still seeing red over this one....
A couple weeks ago we were watching the movie Total recall (the newer one) and there is a scene where the female had a scar from a gun shot wound on her hand. She was showing the male lead her scar and how it matched his. I hear Aaron next to me say...that isn't how it looks when one gets shot in the hand. I didn't say anything. I mean what could I say. So we finished the movie and played with the kids. But the way he said it will always stick in my mind.
Just last week we went to the VA to meet with his primary care doctor and the doctor was going through a check list. Asking about his injuries and going through the TBI questions they have,one was if Aaron had been in any wrecks while he was over there....he answered yes. Another thing I never knew about his time there.
Life will never be the same for him. The meds he has to take just to function or fall asleep, the CPAP he is on because he stops breathing in his sleep, the wrist pain from carpal tunnel, the back pain from his injuries during service, hearing loss that requires him to wear hearing aids, the horrible daily headaches from his undiagnosed TBI, the forgetfulness and confusion he has daily and the irritability/rage he deals with in every situation.
I wish there was some way to help him. I wish I could take some of the pain, comfort him enough so he doesn't continually scan the room or places we are or take his nightmares away. Seeing him thrash and scream in his sleep is enough to drive me to drinking.
I am sorry to the family and friends that have been ignored or failed by me...life has been hard. I wish I could tell them everything and fix our relationships...but when would be the right time. "Hi, haven't talked to you in a while guess what....". Yep that isn't happening...so I chose this way.
This way I can vent and not hurt Aaron's feelings...because he blames himself. He didn't ask to be hurt but yet the guilt is there...he feels like he failed us and hates being taken care of. I wish he could see I am just as proud of him now(if not more so) as I was when he was still active duty. I wish he could see retirement isn't as important as he is and that he is still an amazing man.
